Author Archives: Aaron
Feliz Christmas! :)
Merry Christmas from the Vances! May the glory of Jesus Christ be preeminent in all things.
¡Feliz Navidad de la familia Vance! Que la gloria de Jesucristo tenga preemenencia en todo.
Are You Man Enough To Read This?
One of the things that disgusts me the most about our society today is the condition of manhood. Men are wimps. Men are perverts. Men are immature. Most of today’s men are the farthest thing from a biblical man as you can get. Even in our “churches.” This article was a challenge to me. Are man enough to read it? Enjoy
How to Honor Your Wife
Now, my tone is for the men. We speak to men differently than women. Were this a women’s conference, I would not call you all idiots and imbeciles and fools, that you’re a joke, okay? But you men, this is where it needs to go. You’ve been glad-handed and buddied up and positive thinking and you’re a winner and Jesus loves you and you can do better. And I’m telling you, you’re a joke. And the real men in the room know it and they see it. And maybe there’s one woman that you fooled and she doesn’t see it because like Eve, she’s deceived.
First Peter 3:7, here’s what he has to say:
“Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.”
In the previous verse, 1 Peter 3:6, he said that women, when it comes to marriage are prone toward, what? Fear. Fear. And you know what? Those fears that the women have about marriage are legitimate, they are.
If a woman marries a man, she’s trusting him with the rest of her life that he won’t hit her, cheat on her, that he’ll work hard, that he’ll pay the bills, that he’ll love their children, that he’ll finish the race well, that he’ll walk with Jesus ‘til the end, that if she gets sick, he’ll look after her, that if she is dying, he will be faithful to her.Gentlemen, it is a terrifying thing for a woman to trust a sinful man.
As a man, I don’t think I fully understood this until I had daughters, and now I have some understanding of that fear. The thought of taking one of my daughters and walking them down the aisle and handing them to a man and trusting that he will love them and protect them and serve them and care for them and look after them, it causes me fear, grave concern.
The women have legitimate fears and what Peter is saying is that men need to be a particular way so that those fears are alleviated. And I love his words, “in an understanding way, showing honor.” That’s a man. That’s a man. Now as I say this, many of you guys will nod your head and say, “Yeah, that’s me.” No, you’re not. So let me practically unpack this for you. Every man who hears this, even the best men among us, has areas of repentance and growth that are required. And so I want to talk to you men about some things that your woman will fear.
1. Honor your wife maritally.
What this means is, gentlemen, you’re not looking for a girlfriend if you are single. You’re not looking for a roommate. You’re not looking for a cohabitation partner. You’re looking for a wife. You’re looking for a wife. If he can’t even honor you while dating, that is when he is on his best behavior. I don’t care if he apologizes, does he repent and lead? Being sorry is not enough; being Christ-like is what is necessary. Ephesians 5:25, “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it.” Is he selfless or selfish? Does he give himself up for you or does he take from you?
When you get married, men, you are to be a one-woman man. That’s the requirement of an elder and that is the example for all men.
You’re not the flirt guy.
You’re not the female buddies guy.
You’re not the download porn guy.
You’re not the “I got another gal on the side I always keep in case of emergency” guy.
You’re not the wandering eye guy.
If you are, you’re not honoring marriage and you’re not honoring your wife. I know some complete fools, they like to take their wedding ring off when they go out to the sports bar with the boys. Do you honor your marriage covenant? Do you take responsibility as the head of the marriage covenant, take responsibility for the well- being of the woman?
See, a woman has great fear. If you don’t honor marriage, she is statistically going to go into poverty upon divorce. She will become yet another single mother. She’ll have to find a way to explain to the children of why they shouldn’t be embittered against you even though you’re a loser. See, these fears are very legitimate. See the women have seen this so many times that they’re fearful of men.
2. Honor her physically.
Peter says that the woman is the “weaker vessel.” What that means is that generally speaking, if a husband and a wife get in a fistfight, he’ll win. I’ll give you an example. Many of you have seen my wife, Grace. If we get in a fight, it’s not a fair fight. I have an 18-inch neck, she has an 18-inch waist. If someone breaks into our home, I’m not “Go get ‘em, baby. You’re the tough one here. I’ll pray. I’ll pray. I’ll pray. I’ll pray imprecatory prayers in the closet.”
You know what, gentlemen? You are stronger than your woman.
Do you ever hit her?
Do you ever shove her?
Do you ever push her?
Do you ever grab her, restrain her?
Do you ever raise a hand and threaten her?
Do you ever intimidate her with physical violence?
Do you give her that look, that pierced, glazed, violent, angry, don’t-push-it-now’s-a-good-time-to-shut-up look?
Do you tell her, “I’m getting very angry, you should just shut up right now. It’s gonna go bad for you”?
Do you get right in her face?
Do you intimidate her with your presence?
Shame on you. A man who picks on a woman, what a joke. What a joke.
Have you ever forced yourself on a woman? You’re a rapist. You’ll say, “She’s my wife.” You’re a rapist.
You know, when someone is attacked, we call it abuse. As horrible as that is, what is even worse is torment. Torment is when you’re abused and you can’t get out. This is like prisoners of war and those who are held captive in slavery. For some women, their version of slavery and captivity and torment is called marriage. Their husband is physically intimidating. She’s afraid of him. She can’t leave, at least that’s what she thinks. She feels stuck, particularly if she’s got children. Some of you guys are tormentors and abusers and rapists and husbands and Christians, and that is absolutely inexcusable.
Most men don’t walk around thinking about their personal safety. I know a lot of women who do. Does she feel safe with you? Ladies, if you’re dating a guy who has ever been physically violent, run for your life, run for your children’s life, run for your grandchildren’s life. If he’s ever even threatened you with violence, there is something profoundly demonic in that man. There is something sincerely wrong in that man. He will then apologize, tell you he is sorry. He will shed a few tears, say it will never happen again and he will subtly shift the blame to you. “You know when you do that, it just makes me really angry. Don’t do that again.” “Oh, okay, it must be my fault.” It’s never your fault. It doesn’t matter what you say or do, if a man hits you, harms you, he’s in sin, no excuse.
And there are some guys, some absolute block-headed idiots who think when the Bible says that you’re the head of the home, that it means you get to be the bully. There’s nothing uglier than a guy who then takes this same disposition toward his children, especially his daughters. The grossest, vilest thing is a man who hits a woman, and the man who hits a woman is willing to hit his own daughter. It’s disgusting.
3. Honor your wife emotionally.
Some of you say, “I’m not emotional, I don’t connect.” You should. Men and women have the same emotions; they express them in masculine and feminine ways. Your wife needs intimacy. She wants you to know her. She wants to know you. She wants you to open up. She wants you to be passionate and loving and honest, and she wants to know you and she wants to be known by you. And the Bible says that Adam was with his wife, Eve, and he, what? He knew her. He knew her.
There are too many guys that turn marriage into a job description. He does his responsibility, she does hers, and there’s no emotional connection whatsoever. And see, those are guys whose sins are sins of omission. “I didn’t hit her, I didn’t yell at her.” Yeah, but you didn’t love her. You didn’t connect with her. You didn’t encourage her. You didn’t pursue her. So ultimately, you failed her.
4. Honor her verbally.
How do you speak to her? Do you have nasty nicknames for her? Do you raise your voice? Do you threaten her? Do you give back-handed comments? Some of you guys would say, “I would never hit a woman.” How about with your tongue? How about with your tongue? Not just speaking to your wife, but about her. Not just speaking to her in her presence, but speaking about her in her absence. When you wife is not there and you’re with the boys, how do you speak of her? What do you say about her? You know what? Your children will pick this up as well. You start saying horrible things about your wife, and the children will be left in this horrible position of choosing between their mother and father and invariably some of the children will despise their own mother and speak evil of her in an effort to remain loyal to their father. See a division in a marriage includes the children, they’re stuck in the middle. They’re casualties of the war.
You men could defuse this and take away this fear by honoring her verbally. Speaking honestly, respectfully, lovingly to her and about her. See, some of you guys, you forget. You say, “Well, Jesus isn’t there. My wife isn’t there. I get to say whatever I want.” No, Jesus is there even when your wife’s not there. God, see God hears everything. God sees everything. God knows everything, and you’re not getting away with anything.
5. Honor your wife financially.
“If a man does not provide for the needs of his family, he’s denied the faith and worse than an unbeliever.” There’s a verse. See, the woman’s curse was her children and submitting to her husband. The man’s curse was providing for his family. And what the weakest, most impish, worthless men among us do is “Oh, my load is heavy. I know yours is heavy, but I need you to carry half of mine too.” Men, you gotta work. You gotta work hard. You’ve gotta out-work the other men if you want to feed your family. That’s your responsibility as a man. If you want any men to respect you, if you want your wife to respect you, if you want your children to respect you, you pay the bills. You make the money, you feed the family.
We live in this day where there are guys telling their wives, “Hey, birth control, abortion,” “We can’t have kids,” “You make too much money,” “I don’t like responsibility.” Shame on you. There’s nothing sadder than a woman who loves Jesus and wants to be a mom, and the husband keeps saying, “I’m the head of the home, no.” What he’s saying is “I’m in charge and I command you to sin,” to deny all of your maternal instincts. Titus 2, “The woman should be homeward in her orientation.”
“We’re a culture that is working hard to protect women and children, and no one has the common sense to beat on the guys who are the cause of so much of the pain.”
And I know that some of you guys are gonna hear this. You’re gonna say, “Oh, but this is outdated.” Yes, and I would say look at the condition of marriages and families in our culture and ask if it’s working. The latest statistics, 40 percent of all children are born out of wedlock. It is now at the point where women aren’t even pretending they’re gonna ever get married. They go to college, get a good job, get pregnant, have a kid. They’ve lost any hope of ever finding a guy who can actually carry the load, and that’s tragic. We’re a culture that is working hard to protect women and children, and no one has the common sense to beat on the guys who are the cause of so much of the pain.
I know guys as well, they’re not generous. I know one guy, he’s such an idiot. This guy makes decent money and he’s totally chintzy with his wife. She gets no spending money, can’t go out to coffee with the girls ‘cause he’s a total control freak and tightwad. Be honoring of your wife financially, and I’m not saying you’re gonna live at this lavish and high level. But what I am saying is this: you live within your means, you make a budget, you tithe, spend, save, invest well. And I know it’s hard to live on one income. I know it’s hard. I know it’s particularly difficult in this economic climate, but for some of you boys, it’s a built-in excuse to be irresponsible.
Statistically as well, if you have children, and put them in day care so mom can work, the other costs that are associated, eating out, take-out, dry cleaning, car, second phone, cell phone, things of that nature, plus the increased tax breaks and costs and burdens… The truth is very rarely does a wife go out and get a job and contribute anything to the bottom line of the family. The taxes alone eat a huge portion of it. MSNBC did a big study on this years ago and they brought the data to the mothers who dropped their kids off at the day care. “You’re providing nothing to the income of the family,” and the women are bawling, having a nervous breakdown on television, saying, “Well, then why am I even going to work?” Good question, because that guy doesn’t even know how to run numbers on taxes. He’s not smart enough to find somebody to figure it out for him. He just says, “Put the kids in day care, get a job, shoulder half of my curse. Oh and by the way, I forgot to run the numbers, come to find it’s not really helping.” Honor her financially.
6. Honor her practically.
Some guys, the house is a wreck. It’s never finished. The furniture’s broken. The car hardly starts. They live far away from community. They don’t have a schedule. They don’t have a budget. They don’t have a plan. She doesn’t know what’s going on. The practical stuff of life, the guy’s just a zoo, just an absolute, disorganized, unplanned, throw-it-together-at-the-last-minute, hope-that-it- works nightmare. Honor her practically. Do you have a budget? Do you have a schedule? Do you have an integrated plan? Do you have a life?
7. Honor her parentally.
Gentlemen, your wife wants you to love the kids. She wants you to help raise them. She wants you to love them, to pursue them. She wants you to get guy time with the boys. She wants you to get daddy dates with the girls. She wants you to do Ephesians 6 and be their pastor. She wants you to read the Bible with ‘em. She wants you to pray with ‘em. And you know what? You should too.
So many guys who are even Christians think “I pay for Christian school, I send the wife and kids to the Christian church. I’ve done my Christian duty.” No, you’ve abdicated your responsibility to others. It’s your job to love your kids. It’s your job to pray with your kids. It’s your job to teach the Bible to your kids. It’s your job to encourage your kids. It’s your job to discipline your kids.
A wife will be so forgiving of so many things if she actually knows that her husband desperately loves their children, that he serves them, that he cares for them, that he’s tender with them, that he’s Pastor Dad for them. So few children actually have a father. So few of those actually have a Christian father and how few of those actually have a dad who’s doing his job.
And I’ll tell you what, guys, this is not something you have to do; it’s something you get to do. This is wonderful. I mean every night, my daughter Alexie, blond hair, blue eyes, looks like Tinkerbell, “Poppa Daddy, I need a piggyback ride and a Bible story.” You know what? I do too. I need that as much as Alexie. I weep thinking of the day that I’m not gonna be giving her piggyback rides, so I give her as many piggyback rides as I can ‘cause it’s a great season and a wonderful opportunity.
What this means, gentlemen, is your priorities will be Christian, husband, father, employee. Those are your first four duties, it’ll take most of your life. You’re not gonna have a lot of time. Probably gonna need to put down your tools, your hobbies, your car, your projects, your golf clubs, your Xbox and probably going to need to put down the remote control and your laptop and your iPod to honor your wife parentally. You’re not gonna have a lot of time for a lot of other things. And gentlemen, your goal is not to stand before God and tell him what level you got to on “World of Warcraft.”
8. Honor her spiritually.
And all of this comes down to this point. There are between 11 and 13 million more Christian women than men. Many women go to church on their own. They have to drag their husband to church, they drag their children to church. It is your job, men, to lead spiritually. You pray with the family. You read the Bible with the family. You pick a good church, become a member of it, submit to it. You pick the community group or midweek class you will be in. You are the one to lead the family spiritually.
Some guys say, “Well, I don’t know what to do.” Just start by praying with your wife. There are women who will hear this sermon and deep down in their heart, this is what they want the most, “If my husband would just pray with me.” There are some of you guys, you pray with all kinds of people, you don’t pray with your wife. Do you pray with your wife? Do you pray with your kids? Do you read the Bible with your wife? Do you talk about Jesus with your wife? Do you talk about Jesus with your kids? Leading spiritually is the foundation of everything else.
Yum Yum!
Baby biscuits — just like doggy biscuits, except for babies. Yup, my daughter is a fan of them. lol
‘Where’s YOUR beard Uncle Zach?’
Lol…
It was good to see my little brother in Pensacola last weekend where we had a great thanksgiving with all of my family. Zach is a freshman at PCC. I’m proud of the guy! 🙂
Voices Of The Bullied
This article is quite lengthy but I thought it was well worth passing on. If you have a few minutes, especially if you have kids or work around kids & teens, please read what this youth pastor has to say about bullying, which has become a growing problem in today’s society.
Voices of the Bullied
And Where Bullying Really Stops
An article from Jonathan McKee at TheSource4YM.com
11/18/2010
“Bullying” is the buzz of 2010. Articles, studies, news reports, anti-bullying banners…I can’t go a week without hearing someone talking about it, someone who hasn’t been bullied.
Something happens to kids when they are repeatedly mocked and pushed around publicly. It changes them. It happened to my dad and it happened to me. But the hardest by far was to see it happen to my son, Alec.
Broken
When Alec was in the 5th grade, he changed in a period of six weeks. Our family had just moved across town and enrolled the kids into a new school. The girls adjusted fine, but Alec immediately became a target of harassment. My wife and I watched a sweet, innocent, gregarious boy slowly chiseled down to a quiet, sad little kid. Bitterness began to emerge. His posture literally changed. Previously he walked with confidence and a little bounce to his step. Six weeks later, his shoulders drooped and his head hung low, almost scared to look around.
It’s sad to see what bullying does to a kid. My dad and I both recognized it in Alec when we first saw it. We knew it all too well. He was emotionally broken.
My dad is 5’4” as an adult. So as you can imagine, as a kid he was small—plus he was shy and a little on the pudgy side. It doesn’t take too many times hearing the words fat or midget thrown at you to develop a complex about your weight and size.
Kids don’t even need physical defects to be bullied, but if you have a major physical flaw, you’re a prime target. My buck teeth provided plenty of ammo for everyone. I shudder even typing those words—buck teeth. It seemed as though there wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t hear them.
My baby teeth were fine. But when my permanent teeth came in… Wow! Rather than even describing it, I’ll just include a picture. (Yeah, those babies are real!)
I heard it every day.
“Hey, Bugs Bunny!”
“Hey, can opener!”
“Buck-toothed beaver!”
And not just from bullies, from little kids in the grocery store, too! “Mommy, what’s wrong with that kid’s teeth?!!” You wouldn’t believe the things that people say. (Or maybe you would…)
When bullies poked fun at me, I always hoped that adults would intervene. But my confidence in adults quickly faded as well. Most adults didn’t notice the jesting and teasing. Others actually laughed. In the fourth grade I was at a basketball camp, and a group of kids cornered me, making fun of my teeth. I had developed a quick wit by then and was trying to come back with some onslaughts of my own. But I don’t even remember what I had planned on saying, because I never finished my sentence. All I could manage was something like, “Oh yeah…well I can do something you can’t…”
And the coach finished my comeback: “Yeah! Chew through wood!”
Once a coach opens that door, it never shuts.
When my son was being bullied, I talked with the principal. I provided her with specifics. It wasn’t just boys. A girl in Alec’s class had just turned around in her chair the day prior, leaned on his desk and said, “Wow, you are the ugliest kid I’ve ever seen. Your mom must wonder, ‘Why is my kid so ugly!’”
The principal bragged. “Our school doesn’t tolerate any bullying.” She showed me a banner they posted.Our School Is Bully Free, the Way It’s Meant to Be. These Bully Free signs and banners are becoming even more common in schools across the country today. Google it. You can buy them all over the web, “to send a positive message and inspire students to think before they act.”
Really?
Alec and I still talk about that useless banner to this day.
Alec got to the point where some kids started pushing him and slapping the back of his neck. It was so hard for Lori and me to hear the terrible accounts day after day. Finally I told Alec, “You don’t have to take that. You can stand up for yourself.”
Alec just looked up at me with his big blue eyes and his lip quivering, “I don’t want to get into trouble.”
We ended up switching schools and enrolling him in martial arts to try to boost his confidence. He got plugged in with a group of really creative kids—like him—at his school and at church. Some of Alec’s scars slowly began to heal.
In the first week of middle school, though, some kids starting pushing him around—and during the bully’s paradise: physical education class. Alec would run around the track, and two boys would stop him and tell him, “You can’t pass.” Of course, the teacher was nowhere to be found. Note to school principals: It’s hard to be “bully free like it’s meant to be” when P.E. is a free-for-all for big kids. (Those of us who were bullied usually have terrible memories of P.E. Don’t even get me started about “picking teams.” I still have dreams about standing there alone, the last one chosen.)
I didn’t want to lose all the ground we had gained with Alec, so I asked him more about the situation. “Can you avoid these kids? Can you run somewhere else?” It’s always good to avoid the situation as best as possible. But the confrontation with these two bullies was unavoidable. Day after day they found Alec when the teacher wasn’t around.
I looked Alec in the eye and told him, “Alec, if those kids push you or corner you, hit them in the nose as hard as you can, and don’t stop swinging until someone pulls you off!”
Alec was shocked. “I thought I wasn’t supposed to fight.”
“Defending yourself is way different than fighting Alec,” I assured him. “If they bully you, you goChristmas Story on them!”
“But Dad, I’ll get suspended.”
“If you get suspended for defending yourself Alec, I’ll take the day off work, take you to ice cream and then we’ll hang out and have fun all day.” I gave him a hug. “You won’t get in trouble from me for defending yourself. You’ll get rewarded.”
I didn’t know if I was giving Alec sound advice, but speaking candidly as a father, I’ll confess that desperate situations sometimes generate desperate responses. At the time, I just wanted Alec to know that we were in his corner no matter what.
The next day when Lori brought Alec home from school, he looked scared.
“What happened?” I asked.
Alec was looking down at the ground when he talked. “I got sent to the principal’s office for fighting.”
I smiled and gave him a big hug. “Sweet! Let’s go to ice cream!”
At ice cream Alec told me the whole story. The kids stopped him on the track again and didn’t let him pass. Alec tried to go around, but one of the kids pushed him. Alec swallowed hard and started swinging. He hit one guy to the ground and the other grabbed him. Alec somehow managed to get the other kid in a headlock and started punching him as well. The punching turned to rolling on the ground. Next thing he knew, all three of them found themselves in the principal’s office.
The principal knew the other two kids by name; he didn’t know Alec. Alec told him his story. The principal said, “I don’t want to see you in here again. You can go.” Then he kept the other two in his office.
The next day one of those two kids came to school with a black eye.
Alec didn’t have any more physical confrontations that year. But the verbal abuse continued.
I wish I could tell you that Alec’s remaining years have been bully-free. They haven’t. He joined wrestling the next year in middle school, and that really helped. But during his freshman year of high school, bullies actually sat in the hallway and threw pieces of muffins at kids calling them “fags.” Alec said it happened all the time, not just to him, but to numerous kids. He just tried his best to avoid those hallways.
Alec eventually got his black belt in a Korean martial art. Funny…by the time he got it, he never had to use it. (Except when I wrestle him, of course; he always uses joint locks and hand techniques. Yikes!)
So…will standing up for yourself solve the problem? Different situations yield different results. My dad shared with me an experience similar to Alec’s:
- When I was in the 4th and 5th grade, I was overweight. And being short didn’t help matters. Kids seemed to want to push me around, mostly shoving matches. The primary bully was Bobby, who was actually my best friend, went to my church, and was really the only other Christian in my school who I knew. He was tall, had a long reach, and was rather strong for a 4th grader. Bobby loved fighting, was always getting in fights at school, and I think he liked to use me for the warm-up bout. When I was in the 5th grade, at least once a week I would come home from school crying. So my parents had me spend spring vacation with my uncle Johnny who had boxed in the Navy. For one week he gave me a crash course in boxing. I actually enjoyed it—spending one-on-one time with my uncle. The next week when my friend Bobby started a fight with me, I quickly took up the boxer pose and said, “Bring it on.” Bobby looked at me, and rather than run—as I had hoped he would—he burst out laughing. As he was having a huge belly laugh he asked me, “What did you do—take boxing lessons?” Then he, with his long reach, gave me a bloody nose. So ended my boxing career.
Repercussions
Does bullying have long-term effects?
Now that Alec is a senior in high school, is he completely healed from his years of harassment? Not even close. Socially, he’s tentative. And he’s definitely slow to have compassion for kids that fall in the category of “jock.”
Socially it’s been difficult for Alec as well. His trepidation around his fellow students hadn’t exactly made him outgoing and sociable. Quite the opposite, in fact. Subconsciously, Alec began pushing everyone away. He still struggles to let others “in.”
I can relate. I did the same thing, even into my college years. My skepticism toward people sometimes resulted in bitterness and quarrelling.
Bottom line: Those of us who were bullied sometimes become even more socially awkward.
Healing takes time.
Our church has been a great place of healing. Two of Alec’s closest friends from his church youth group are football players. This has stretched Alec to realize that all jocks aren’t bullies. Alec has had to learn to saturate in God’s grace and forgiveness so that he can pass it on to others.
But church isn’t always a safe haven. In junior high Alec got bullied at youth group. The junior high pastor was a huge guy—an amazing basketball player. As sharp as he was, he didn’t have any idea what being bullied looked like.
At a church winter camp, Alec was teased and ostracized by the other guys in his cabin. His solution was to withdraw by himself.
Alec had brought a stuffed monkey to this particular weekend trip and placed it on his pillow and sleeping bag during the day. One night Alec came back to the cabin to find the monkey outside, torn and lying in the mud. Alec threw his furry little companion away, too embarrassed to tell anyone. I didn’t find out about the incident until years later.
As you’re probably aware, bullying is everywhere. Most adults just don’t realize bullying’s ubiquitous reach. An article in USA Today only a few weeks ago reveals that 50 percent of U.S. high schoolers said they had “bullied, teased or taunted someone at least once.” What’s more, 37 percent of boys say “it’s okay to hit or threaten a person who angers them.” But how often do bullies—or the adults around them—think about the repercussions of those actions?
Sometimes it pushes bullied kids over the edge.
The most common response I’ve observed in almost 20 years of youth ministry is withdrawal. Those of us who have been bullied will assure you, the safest place is alone.
Isolation
Bullying victims seek refuge in a variety of arenas. I always retreated to home where I could be creative, writing and drawing. I played piano as a child, so during some of the rough years I began to write songs. In retrospect, I don’t think they were very good, but they were therapeutic. And anyone reading the lyrics even today would gain insight to the bullying victim’s emotions.
My daughters recently looked through one of my “memory boxes” stuffed in the closet under the stairway. After paging through my yearbooks and drawings, they came across a folder with a bunch of my music. They saw some of the lyrics I wrote and asked me candidly, “Dad, were you serious?”
Here are the lyrics they found:
- Alone I am waiting
Nobody caring
This life isn’t for me… Is anyone out there,
Someone who cares?
Someone whose feelings and thoughts I can share?
There has to be someone,
Someone who feels like me.
A bridge was scratched out near the bottom:
- This life isn’t wanted
I might as well end it
I don’t recall having suicidal thoughts, but I remember feeling completely alone at times and wondering if anyone understood. I longed to meet others—even one person—who felt like me. But I didn’t know where to find them.
Turns out I wasn’t alone in my feelings. All over the world, ostracized teenagers are looking for camaraderie wherever and however they can find it. Some of these kids are more likely to have sex early.The American Journal of Public Health published a study a few years ago reporting that kids who are “ostracized” by their peers or—get this—“picked on by their teachers” are more likely to have sex early.
Other kids isolate themselves completely. Many of these kids discover video games.
My son Alec shared with me that video games always felt safe. In his own words:
- “Video games are a place where nerds can get together and be free to do something well. I can’t kick butt in P.E. class; but I can kick butt in Halo!”
I think video games and other forms of technology are fine when kids don’t obsess over them. Alec would want me to point out, too, that there have been numerous studies about good “decision-making skills” kids glean from video games.
Still, parents of bullied kids—all kids, for that matter—should watch out for obsessive behaviors. If I hadn’t limited Alec’s game time (one hour per day on school days, two hours a day on weekend days—providing exceptions when he had friends over), he may have secluded himself for hours at a time, staring at a screen. He happened to have a dad who studied youth culture, citing the most recent studies and reasoning, “You know Alec, the American Academy of Pediatrics said…” Seriously, looking back on the last five years, Alec readily admits that he’s glad Lori and I created media guidelines that encouraged him to engage in social situations (hanging out with friends) instead of absorbing even more media in isolation.
All this to say, Alec and I know that on every school campus in this city, there’s a kid just like him who’s desperately trying to avoid being bullied by a group of punks with their own self-esteem issues. Girls aren’t immune to it, either. In a recent Girl Scouts study of 1,000 girls, aged 14 to 17, 68 percent say they’ve been bullied or gossiped about on a social networking site.
My dad dealt with it, I dealt with it, Alec dealt with it…should we assume Alec’s kids will have to cope with it, too?
Bullying Prevention
One kid can make a difference.
When I was in high school, that one kid was Matt. Matt wasn’t the most popular kid on campus, but he decided that he was going to care for others no matter what others said. I’ll never forget looking across campus one day and seeing Matt rolling a kid in a wheelchair to his class. Other kids were looking at Matt like, What are you doing that for, extra credit? But Matt didn’t care. When he saw someone in need, Matt acted.
Matt was in weights class with many of the football players, bench pressing and squatting enormous poundage and getting high fives of congratulations. But at lunchtime, Matt would sit with a group of outcasts. Matt broke the unspoken lines of separation. He didn’t prejudice in any way.
One kid made a decision to treat everyone the same.
Did Matt change an entire campus? No. But he made a world of difference to the handful of lives that he touched every day. I’ll never forget that. Can you imagine what that campus would have looked like with even two “Matts”? Three?
This weekend I’m speaking to 400 kids at a winter camp back east. I’m urging them, “You can make a difference!”
Sure, adults can stop some bullying—when they see it happening—but nowhere near completely. It’s just too pervasive. But maybe even better, we can encourage our kids to take action, and equip them to carry it out.
Here are some steps you can take:
- Motivate your kids to take action. Let them know that they can make a difference in someone’s life.
- They can resolve to not bully others (like 50 percent of them admit to doing).
- They can take a step of faith and reach out to someone who seems consistently isolated.
- Equip your kids to reach out. Many of our kids may want to make a difference, but they don’t know how.
“If there be therefore any consolation in Christ, if any comfort of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit, if any bowels and mercies, Fulfil ye my joy, that ye be likeminded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind. Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves. Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus:”
- (Philippians 2:1-5, KJV)
Our kids can make a powerful impact in the life of the bullied.Use the power of story to communicate this cause. My book 10-Minute Talks contains several stories you can use. Some of you may have stories of your own, how someone reached out to you and impacted your life.
The movie To Save a Life is also perfect to talk about this issue with our kids. I get choked up every time I see the scene where Jake, the popular kid, takes the initiative to sit next to Jonny at lunch. I provide a discussion using a powerful clip from that film on our Web site with a correlating scripture and small group questions. You can find even more great discussion resources on the movie’s official site.
Some of the just-mentioned resources contain great examples of actions our kids can take to not only show compassion but also act on that compassion. Don’t be scared to take your kids straight to the Scriptures to help motivate them.
This past Sunday my pastor happened to teach from Philippians 2. Check how relevant verses 3 through 5 are to all of this:
Can you imagine if all believers lived out this passage? We could cut down on a whole lotta bullying—that’s for sure!
We need to teach this kind of truth to our kids. The message of this passage is clear. The following is a summary of the Philippians passage in my own words…)
Humility is one of those “Christian” words that kids don’t spend much time thinking about. So, show them an example of humility they’ll remember: Read John 13 where Christ washed his disciples’ feet, then bring a kid to the front of the room and wash his feet. (It might be even more effective to choose a kid from your group who’s “less popular.”) Then ask others to join you in the humbling task of washing other’s feet. Make the connection of what foot washing might look like in their world, on their school campus. Then have your kids come up with ideas to “humble themselves—considering others better than themselves” at school, at church, and in their community. (I provide numerous activities and ministry ideas like the latter example in my new book Ministry by Teenagers, coming out in just a couple weeks.)
The more time we spend pointing our kids to Jesus—reading about him, studying him, talking to him in prayer—the more our kids will want to serve like Jesus.
* * *
In the movie Hotel Rwanda—the powerful true-life story of a Rwandan hotel manager who housed more than 1,000 Tutsi refugees, protecting them from the Hutu militia, we see what happens when bullying becomes genocidal murder on a massive scale.
The movie has a sobering scene between the hotel manager, Paul (Don Cheadle) and a news photographer, Jack (Joaquin Phoenix), who has just filmed the ugly reality of what was happening in Rwanda:
- Paul Rusesabagina: I am glad that you have shot this footage and that the world will see it. It is the only way we have a chance that people might intervene.
Jack: Yeah and if no one intervenes, is it still a good thing to show?
Paul Rusesabagina: How can they not intervene when they witness such atrocities?
Jack: I think if people see this footage they’ll say, “Oh my God, that’s horrible,” and then go on eating their dinners.
Yes, we’ve seen the word bullying plenty in newspaper headlines during 2010. People read the stories and say, “Oh my God, that’s horrible.” But then they go back to eating their dinners.
I started writing a book 10 years ago—a book with the working title, Bullied (CLICK HERE if you’d like to read an nice little excerpt Jonathan posted of that novel). I’ve had eight books published since then, three more coming out. I’ve pitched Bullied to five different publishers so far. The response always seems to be the same. “Good writing. But who’s going to buy this?”
In one scene a group of kids make their own T-shirts, drawing a picture of a kid on the front with the cross-hairs of a gun scope over the top of the kid. They put the initials, KBC underneath, standing for Kill Brett Club.
One publisher told me, “That’s so unrealistic. Kids would never do that. Besides, no teacher would allow a shirt like that in school.”
I didn’t have the guts to tell him that the anecdote was based in reality. The actual shirts had the initials KJC—for the “Kill Jonathan Club.” It started with just three of them, but soon almost a dozen people in my English class were wearing them. That’s right. Eighth grade, Mitchell Junior High School, 1984. The teacher never had a clue.
Isn’t it time we take this seriously and decide to make the difference that could very well save a life?”
Jonathan McKee, president of The Source for Youth Ministry, is the author of numerous youth ministry books including the brand new Connect: Real Relationships in a World of Isolation, and the award winning books Do They Run When They See You Coming? and Getting Students to Show Up. He speaks and trains at camps, conferences, and events across North America, and provides free resources for youth workers internationally on his website, TheSource4YM.com.
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