Monthly Archives: September 2010

I Have To Tell You The Truth…


Cults and new religious movements in literatur...

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But what is truth? Does it exist? Is it the same for me as it is for you? What if I don’t like the truth? Can I choose another ‘truth’ to hold as my own? What if the truth hurts? Is truth absolute or is it relative?

These questions and many more have filled the minds of people around the world for thousands of years. Since the early years, it seems we humans like to reason our way out of obligation, confrontation, guilt, fear, responsibility and accountability by whittling away our idea of truth. If we could only change the truth, we could change the way it directly impacts us, no?

It has been said, “the only absolute is that there are no absolutes.”

I beg to differ.

Truth itself is a very liberating thing. Consider the words of Jesus in John 8:31-36:

“Then said Jesus to those Jews which believed on him, If ye continue in my word, then are ye my disciples indeed; And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free. They answered him, We be Abraham‘s seed, and were never in bondage to any man: how sayest thou, Ye shall be made free? Jesus answered them, Verily, verily, I say unto you, Whosoever committeth sin is the servant of sin. And the servant abideth not in the house for ever: but the Son abideth ever. If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed.”

We see quite a few major principles in this passage. I’d like to point out two of them.

1. To Know Jesus Is To Know The Truth

There is no other way around it. Jesus said in John 14:6 “I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.” He is not a truth. He is the truth! As a disciple of Jesus Christ, the truth is not only made known to us, it becomes our only hope. It becomes our life, because Jesus IS truth. What an awesome thought! I hate cliché phrases, but this one applies here: “Know Jesus, Know Truth. No Jesus, No Truth.”

2. To Know The Truth Is To Know Freedom

It is important to see that the truth does not “SET” us free. It “MAKES” us free! What’s the difference? Imagine this senario… A man commits a terrible crime. As he stands before the judge, his penalty is declared to be $1,000,000 or 50 years in prison. This man isn’t a rich man in the least, so his only option is to spend the time in prison. As he is serving his 50 year sentence, suppose someone breaks into the prison, knocks over some wardens, steals the key and lets the man out. He has been set free. Now imagine this same senario in a different light. Suppose the man goes to prison, but now, someone comes to him informing him that he has paid the $1,000,000 fine. Now the man is free. He has been made free. This is a big difference, isn’t it?

That is why it is so important to realize that knowing Jesus is the only way to know truth, and knowing the truth is the only way to know freedom. Oh what a difference it makes!

Do you know Jesus? Seriously. Do you know him? Not just know about him… do you know him?

You see, you have committed a terrible crime against a perfect God. Have you ever heard of the 10 commandments? You have not kept them all. I guarantee it. Neither have I. Neither has anybody. We’ve all done wrong. As much as we try to justify our wrong, wrong is wrong. It’s the truth. God does not change, neither does his law, and his law has already proven us guilty.

Now, the Bible tells us that our sentence for doing this wrong is death. Not just being buried in the ground, there’s something deeper. The book of Revelation tells us that there is a Second Death. This is the Lake of Fire. Our penalty is to be separated from God. It is death.

But, Jesus, in his awesome love, paid our debt. He paid our “fine,” so to speak. That’s what dying on the cross was all about. He was paying our fine. Now, all we must do is accept that outpouring of love. When we do this, God’s word tells us that he actually makes us a new person, gives us a new life, a new hope, a new love, a new purpose. Because now, we know truth. That truth is in Jesus.

So, do you know Him? If not, call upon him today. Repent of your sins. Trust in him for salvation. Give your life to him. Quit running from the truth. Embrace it. Embrace him.

Am I A Church Planter?


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By Pastor Scott Thomas

Every young man that considers church planting asks the question, Am I a Church Planter? It is the question I asked myself before planting a church. It is the question we ask every man who submits himself to our Acts 29 assessment process to be a lead planter in our network. Many times he is depending on our assessment process to confirm his calling.

Not all churches have a vision for church planting and few have insight into what a church planter looks like. Our church leaders should be able to spot a church planter and then send him to plant as soon as he is ready.

I did a survey of pastors associated with a church planting movement in 52 countries of the world and asked them to describe the characteristics of a church planter. In order, they said 1) Leader/Visionary, 2) Missionary heart, 3) Preacher, 4) Generalist (can do many things as the lone pastor) and 5) Family Man (NewFrontiers July 2008 non-scientific survey conducted by Scott Thomas).

We believe strongly that the Bible teaches that this office of an elder and pastor is reserved for males. God is a God of order and balance. He has established order within the family (Gen. 3:16; 1 Cor. 11:3; Eph. 5:22-33; Col. 3:18-21) and the church (1 Tim. 2:11-14; 1 Cor. 11:8-9). Even within the Trinity there is an order; a hierarchy. The Father sent the Son (John 6:38) and both the Father and the Son sent the Holy Spirit (John 14:26; 15:26). Jesus said, “For I came down from heaven, not to do mine own will, but the will of him that sent me.” (John 6:38). It is clear that God is a God of order and structure.

In creation, God made Adam first and then Eve to be his helper. This is the order of creation. It is this order that Paul mentions in 1 Tim. 2:11-14 when speaking of authority within the church. Being a pastor or an elder is to be in the place of authority. Therefore, within the church, for a woman to be a pastor or elder, she would be in authority over men in the church which contradicts what Paul says in 1 Tim. 2:11-14.

Although it seems a little reductionist and arrogant to list the characteristics of a church planter, I offer twenty characteristics based on evidence in the Acts 29 Network and a plethora of books and articles associated with church planting. After reading this list, some men may be more discouraged from church planting than drawn to it. But the fact is that church planting is tough for the most qualified men. If a man does not have the needed characteristics, he will frustrate himself and everyone around him.

There are lots of other ways a man can serve God in an established church or a church plant apart from being the lead planter. Some very good pastors would probably make bad church plant leaders. That call from God to do church planting might be a call to go join a team led by another man to help plant a church, or it might actually be a call to financially support so others can go. Please pray as you work through this list that God will either confirm a call or reveal if one is to lead a church plant.

I have summarized the 20 characteristics because of the length of the article and discussed them after the summary. Please see the link at the bottom for the complete article including elder qualification charts.
Summarized: 20 Characteristics of a Church Planter
1.    Am I a Christian? (John 3:16)

2.    Am I passionately in love with Jesus and is He the Lord of every area of my life? (Personal spiritual dynamics is the second most important area)

3.    Do I believe His word and does it affect my life deeply?

4.    Am I Spirit-filled, Spirit-directed, Spirit-led and Spirit-controlled? (Acts 1:8)

5.    Am I qualified as an Elder? (1 Timothy, Titus)

6.    Do I love the local church as the expression of a gospel community on mission? (Matthew 28:18-20)

7.    Am I a missionary to the city? Am I sent for the advancement of the gospel in the city (John 20:21)?

8.    Do I have a clear vision for this new work? (Nehemiah 1:3, 4; 2:11-18)

9.    Am I willing to pour myself out in obedience to the vision? (Phil. 2; Romans 6)

10.    Am I healthy? Physically, emotionally, financially, spiritually, relationally, maritally

11.    Am I the kind of leader many people will follow? Have I served as a church leader successfully? (1 Tim. 5:22; 3:6)

12.    Can I preach effectively?

13.    Can I guard the doctrinal door with Biblical clarity and tenacious confidence?

14.    Can I architect a new work with entrepreneurial skill?

15.    Am I called to plant a church at this time and in this place? (Acts 17:26; 1 Peter 5:2)

16.    Have my church leaders commended me for this calling? (Acts 11:22-26; 13:1-4; 16:1-2)

17.    Am I a hard worker? Am I persevering? (2 Thes. 3:10; 1 Tim. 5:17-18; 2 Tim. 2:3-4; 2:5; 2:6)

18.    Am I adaptable to new people, places and concepts?

19.    Can I raise the funds needed for my family’s needs? (1 Tim. 5:8)

20.    Am I humble enough to learn from others—particularly from those who have gone ahead of me in different areas?

Discussed: 20 Characteristics of a Church Planter

Acts 20:28 says that we must “Pay careful attention to ourselves” before we care for the flock of God. We must be prepared as God’s man before heading into battle.

1. Am I a Christian? (Integrity is the number one value of a church planter).

This seems like an obvious characteristic. However, some men grow up in churches and are led to believe that they placed their faith in Jesus for salvation while they lack a personal relationship with Jesus. Jesus said that we must be born again or regenerated by the Spirit of God (John 3:16). It is possible that a man could build a church and not be a Christian, but it is not advised.

2. Am I passionately in love with Jesus and is He the Lord of every area of my life?

The gospel must be evidently at work in every area of a church planter’s life: personally, maritally, domestically, sexually, financially, physically, relationally and ministerially. We are sinners who need forgiveness through repentance and confession. We have to practice this daily as examples of the gospel.

3. Do I believe His word and does it affect my life deeply?

It’s not enough to just have good sermon material; it has to flow from your heart. The Word needs to speak to you, and you need to preach out of the abundance of his Word.

4. Am I Spirit-filled, Spirit-directed, Spirit-led and Spirit-controlled? (Acts 1:8)

We are eager to be witnesses, but we have tendencies to lean on our own ideas and abilities apart from the Spirit of God. The church planter needs to be an empowered man. The Spirit needs to be working in and through him and be consuming him. Jesus accomplished work on this earth through the power of the Holy Spirit. The Spirit descended upon Jesus and rested or remained on Him (Matt. 3:16). Luke 4 said that Jesus was full of the Holy Spirit, was led by the Spirit, and began His ministry in Galilee in the power of the Spirit and preached with the Spirit of the Lord upon Him. He rejoiced in the Spirit (Luke 10:21) and promised the Spirit to those who asked the father (Luke 11:13). The Holy Spirit longs to empower us to do our work as a missionary-church planter to the ends of the earth.

5. Am I qualified as an Elder? (1 Timothy, Titus)

Timothy and Titus talk about the qualifications. Study them carefully and assess yourself. Both lists say that to be above reproach is the overarching, summarizing characteristic. You will find a similar (but not identical) list in First Timothy. Being above reproach is the first requirement in both lists and Titus repeats it. The other items on the list explain what above reproach means. There isn’t an exhaustive list of characteristics. They overlap, but the key is to be above reproach. The lists are some “for instances” of how to be above reproach: the husband of one wife with no one else in your hands, your head, your heart, your eyes, or on that screen-none. A church pastor must be totally focused and satisfied in that one woman God has brought to him. Marriage will be a struggle at times. But you cannot stray, even an inch. Practicing the gospel is required for a good marriage. Children should be in submission and pastors need to pastor their wife and kids first. If we peruse the two lists, as well as First Peter, we find 17 qualities of an elder who is above reproach.

6. Do I love the local church as the expression of a gospel community on mission?(Matthew 28:18-20)

Jesus loved the Church – enough to die for her (Eph. 5:25). A planter therefore is a Church lover. He may die for her, but if he doesn’t love her, he is nothing (1 Cor. 13). Josh Harris exhorts the pew sitters to stop dating the church. The pastor may need to stop having a junior high affair with the church and make a lifelong commitment.

7. Am I a missionary to the city? Am I sent for the advancement of the gospel in the city?(John 20:21)

If you are a church planter, you have to be a missionary. Every pastor needs to see himself as a missionary for the glory of God and the good of the city. Don’t be someone who wants to start something because of self-centeredness and pride and my desire to be recognized. It’s not about the church planter or personal success. It’s about exalting the grace of Jesus.

8. Do I have a clear vision for this new work? (Nehemiah 1:3, 4; 2:11-18)

Lacking a vision was the second most obvious void among aspiring church planters submitting to the Acts 29 assessment process. Nehemiah had to have a vision of a complete wall. Not take a survey. The city is in ruins; it’s time to build. You know you have a vision when people around you say, “Let’s do that.” People need to be following your compelling, life-transforming vision.

9. Am I willing to pour myself out in obedience to the vision?

A planter if he is to follow Jesus, must manifest the death of Jesus. He must become less for Christ to become greater. A planter, like Jesus, is one who “aims low” in that sense. Philippians 2 is instructive in general of this pattern. We are to “Have this mind” -the mind of a Christ who emptied Himself out for the gospel. He, being God, humbled himself to the point of death – then he was exalted. Romans Chapter 6 describes the union with Christ in His death that precedes union with Christ in life.

10. Am I healthy?

Physically, emotionally, financially, spiritually, relationally, maritally
Most church planters get fatter, fussier, angrier, lonelier, poorer and at odds more with their mate and their Lord during the first two years of a church plant. Don’t think that having a church baby will solve your deficiencies any more than a baby will solve the problems of a troubled marriage.

11. Am I the kind of leader many people will follow? Have I served as a church leader successfully?

Occasionally a man will aspire to be a church planter who has no experience as a church leader or an elder in another local church. Paul warns the church not to be hasty in the laying on of hands (1 Timothy 5:22) or appointing a pastor who is a recent convert who is prone to pride (1 Timothy 3:6). A church planter will be more effective with a few years of experience involved with the local church in a leadership capacity. The best church planters are those men who have led in multiple venues and people followed over a sustained period of time.

Even a cursory reading of the Bible reveals that when God wants to get something done He starts by selecting a man to lead that change. Examples include sparing humanity (Noah), founding a nation (Abraham), liberating a nation (Moses), establishing a throne (David), building a Temple (Solomon), preparing hearts (John the Baptizer), and redeeming all of creation (Jesus).

Church planting is no different. Simply, before God can build a church plant He must build a church planter who can lead others to follow the mission of Jesus.

12. Can I preach effectively?

You don’t have to hit it out of the ballpark every time. But you do have to hit singles pretty regularly. The pulpit is the rudder that steers the church. We cannot make our preaching an idol. The key thing to remember in preaching, according to Mark Driscoll is to avoid freezing up at the pressure. Relax, connect with the Spirit and with your audience and the effectiveness will take care of itself.

13. Can I guard the doctrinal door with Biblical clarity and tenacious confidence?

When you start a church, you’ll have new people with new ideas-some for which they got kicked out of their old church! You have to be able to guard the doctrinal door, refute doctrinal error-not arrogantly, but being sure of what the Word of God says and being able to articulate that in a winsome way with authority.

14. Can I architect a new work with entrepreneurial skill?

What have you started successfully? Some men can’t see the vision of what is to come, and some-even if they see the vision-can’t find the steps toward accomplishing their vision. If you can’t be the architect, then you are in trouble. As an example, some very pastoral people are NOT the best people to start a church, or at least not as the main team leader. Be clear about who you are. If you’re a shepherd, counselor, caregiver, and you could be a success doing those things in an established church or as part of a team, then that is where you should be. Someone who is called to plant a church is frustrated if they don’t do it. Number two leaders rarely make good number one leaders.

15. Am I called to plant a church at this time and in this place?

Acts 17:26 says that God appoints the time and the place of our ministry. Titus was the apostolic leader over the churches in Crete. Before Paul appointed him to do that, he went through a progression of calling:

• 2 Cor. 7:6, Titus was a friend who encouraged Paul
• 2 Cor 7:13, Titus was overwhelmed by the ministry of the Macedonians
• 2 Cor. 8:6, Titus was a faithful worker carrying out the wishes of Paul
• 2 Cor. 8:16-17, Titus developed a heart for the ministry and initiated ministry on his own.
• 2 Cor. 8:23 and 12:17, Titus was a proven minister
• Titus 1:4-5, Titus was the senior overseer to appoint elders throughout the island of Crete. His proven faithfulness and calling allowed him to pioneer works in a hostile environment.
In 1 Peter 5:2, Peter exhorts the elders to “Feed the flock of God which is among you, taking the oversight thereof, not by constraint, but willingly; not for filthy lucre, but of a ready mind;” A calling is necessary in a church plant to face the tough times because a hireling leaves when the wolf arrives. But a called shepherd stays with his flock through adversity (John 10:12ff.).

16. Have my church leaders commended me for this calling?

The Book of Acts lacks any reference to asking for volunteers. In Acts 11:22 the believers sent Barnabas. It was the congregation in Jerusalem that selected and sent one of its own gifted members. In all of the subsequent sending of missionaries in the Book of Acts, the emphasis is never upon an individual volunteering or upon his own subjective sense of call, but always upon the initiative of others.

Saul goes to Antioch because Barnabas takes him there (Acts 11:25-26). It is the whole group of prophets and teachers in Antioch to whom the Holy Spirit says “Set apart for me Barnabas and Saul for the work to which I have called them” (Acts 13:1-4). Barnabas and Paul parted company and we are told that Barnabas took Mark (Acts 15:39) and Paul chose Silas (Acts 15:40). Both “departed, being recommended by the brethren unto the grace of God.” Subsequently Paul wanted Timothy to go with him (Acts 16:3). We are reminded that Timothy “was well reported of by the brethren that were at Lystra and Iconium” (Acts 16:1-2) implying that the congregations were consulted and involved in his going out with Paul.

While western culture promotes and encourages the personal call and entrepreneurial spirit of the planter, the New Testament by contrast stresses the corporate initiatives of congregations in selecting suitable people for Gospel ministry. It cannot be justified from the New Testament and the best one can scrape up from the Old Testament is the call of Isaiah (Isaiah 6:8). The call of an Old Testament prophet should be not regarded as normative for a New Testament church missionary. The prophet was sent TO the people of God while the New Testament planter is sent BY the people of God.

When the church in Jerusalem heard of the need in Antioch, together as a congregation they expressed their sense of responsibility and they sent Barnabas (Acts 11:23, 14:22). We should select our best men (Acts 11:24) and send them. Instead of the initiative being left to the individual, churches should deliberately approach their best, most gifted Christian leaders to send them to places of greater need. The individual is still responsible to respond positively to the congregation’s approach.

The individual’s subjective sense of call is confirmed by the objective call of the church body, recognizing his gifts and qualifications. This reinforces the assurance of the Holy Spirit’s call upon a man. Typically a man feels called and informs his church and the lead pastor terminates that man from employment rather than recognizing him as a man called and to be sent by that church.
The missionaries sent out from the New Testament churches were ministering in their local congregations already. We typically want to receive resumes when we should be examining the men in our own congregations. If no one in our congregation is qualified, it is a sad statement upon the leaders of that congregation for not preparing men to be sent into other fields. The chief work of church planting is the birthing, building and blossoming of congregations. Who will do this better than those who are already have considerable local church experience?

As members of the church, we should be going or training others to go at all times. This is an indication of a church with an enthusiastic and fruitful mission that is passionate about following the mission of Jesus.

17. Am I a hard worker? Am I persevering?

Church planting is hard work with no easy solutions or shortcuts. The verse, “that if any would not work, neither should he eat.” (2 Thes. 3:10) is especially true in church planting. A man must be disciplined, organized, courageous, dependable, patient, well read, hard working, discerning, a man who gets things done in an effective and timely manner, which also means that he’s passionate and self-motivated.

The Bible calls a pastor an ox (1 Tim. 5:17-18), a soldier (2 Tim. 2:3-4), an athlete (2 Tim. 2:5) and a farmer (2 Tim. 2:6). Those are laborious jobs and the Holy Spirit used them to describe the kind of man who is qualified to pastor a church.

To plant a church that honors God a man must preach and teach the Bible with all of the strength and fortitude of an ox that can pull a multitude of people in his wake (1 Timothy 5:17-18). Satan routinely sends heretics, nut jobs, and false teachers of all kinds into a church plant because it’s systems are yet fluid, its leadership is yet settled, and it’s relationships are yet cultivated.

To plant a church that honors God a man must fight like a dependable soldier of Jesus Christ (2 Timothy 2:3-4). Throughout his letters, Paul continually admonishes Timothy to fight a good fight. With the world, the flesh, and the devil conspiring to thwart the new work a church planter must continually fight. Weak men who are prone to avoid conflict or crumble under pressure will end up quitting prematurely.

To plant a church that honors God, a man must train and compete with the precision of a skilled athlete (2 Timothy 2:5). Lazy men who adore their comfort, food, and hobbies rarely plant an effective church because they end up wasting time, energy and creativity.

To plant a church that honors God a man must sweat at his labor like a farmer (2 Timothy 2:6). Many young men are attracted to ministry because, as one pastor said, it’s an indoor job that does not require any heavy lifting. When done honorably, ministry in general and church planting in particular is extremely difficult work. Like the farmer who depends on the labor of his hands without a boss, a set schedule or a predictable paycheck, the planter must be self-disciplined, get up every morning and work hard gathering people, studying, teaching, raising money, locating facilities, building systems, training men and repeating that routine day after day.

18. Am I adaptable to new people, places and concepts?

If you don’t like change, you don’t like church planting! If you are the kind of person who goes into the fetal position with new challenges, you’re probably not a church planter.

19. Can I raise the funds needed for my family’s needs?

A church planter who won’t provide for the needs of his family is worse than an unbeliever and has denied the faith (1 Tim. 5:8). Church planters often hide behind the cloak of “faith” and “calling” to shield them from taking responsibility with their family regarding finances. A church planter’s own children need a father more than the city needs a new church. Money is not the key to success but a lack of money is a huge detriment. It is unbiblical to place our family on the altar of our idol of success.

20. Am I humble enough to learn from others-particularly from those who have gone ahead of me in different areas?

This is one of the issues we call “stallers” and “stoppers” in our assessments. A church planter needs to be coachable, teachable. If he is not teachable, his church will stay stunted in its growth. He needs to identify areas where he has weaknesses and blind spots and then seek the advisement of those around him that can help him to continually grow and learn.

Conclusion

Mark Dever has said the local church, in all its glory, makes the audible gospel visible (A Display of God’s Glory (9marks: Washington, D.C., 2001). The gospel is the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ. Jesus Christ died and rose again and ascended – people do not see Him. The Church is His Body here on earth. The place where Jesus Christ is made visible is His Body, not just by one individual. When one meets a congregation that is “displaying God’s glory” faithfully, one encounters Jesus in one sense. So planting a church is an exercise in making visible the audible gospel of the Blessed God.

What if I am called? What if I am not sure? What do I do?
“Let no man despise thy youth; but be thou an example of the believers, in word, in conversation, in charity, in spirit, in faith, in purity. Till I come, give attendance to reading, to exhortation, to doctrine. Neglect not the gift that is in thee, which was given thee by prophecy, with the laying on of the hands of the presbytery. Meditate upon these things; give thyself wholly to them; that thy profiting may appear to all. Take heed unto thyself, and unto the doctrine; continue in them: for in doing this thou shalt both save thyself, and them that hear thee.” (1 Tim 4:12-16).

How To Remember People’s Names


How to Remember People’s Names (and Deal with Unusual Names)

How to Remember People's Names (and Deal with Unusual Names)

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Accurately remembering names is one of the simplest yet most important components of interacting with people, no matter in what capacity. This article presents some tips I’ve acquired over the years with regards to remembering and using people’s names.

Image by quinn.anya

Introduction

Accurately remembering names is one of the simplest yet most important components of interacting with people, no matter in what capacity. A person’s own name is the single most important word to him/her; it is intimately tied to his/her identity as an individual. How you deal with people’s names can have a profound effect on their impressions of you: Think about the times you’ve felt special when someone you admired addressed you by your name in a sincere tone; or think about the times when you’ve felt belittled when someone negligently called you by the wrong name, or worse, maliciously made fun of your name in front of you.

This article presents some tips I’ve acquired over the years with regards to remembering and using people’s names. There are many far more reputable professionals who have written about this topic, so I am not claiming that my tips are novel. However, such professional ‘human interaction gurus’ are often targeting their advice to a business-minded audience, giving tips on how to socially network, schmooze, or otherwise impress people at work. In contrast, I am writing based upon my own experiences growing up as a technically-minded kid without much in terms of schmoozing or popularity-acquiring skills, so hopefully other nerds and geeks can better relate to my advice.

Tip 1: DO remember someone’s name the FIRST time he/she tells it to you

Here is the most important tip of this article, so pay attention!

Unless you’re the Unabomber (or some other hermit living in isolation), you will have to make hundreds or even thousands of introductions to strangers throughout your lifetime. Like death and taxes, personal introductions simply cannot be avoided, so it’s wise to remember the most crucial bit of information that comes out of them: the other person’s name.

Unfortunately, most of us totally forget the other person’s name as soon as the introduction is over. Here is how a typical scenario plays out:

  1. The other person says to you: “Hi, I’m Sasha”
  2. You respond by presenting your own name: “Nice to meet you, Sasha. I’m Philip”
  3. A split-second later, you totally forget Sasha’s name because your mind is too pre-occupied thinking about the next thing you’re going to say to carry the conversation forward, or too focused on listening to Sasha talk. Likewise, Sasha also totally forgets your name.
  4. The conversation might proceed for a few minutes, and then by the time you and Sasha part ways, neither of you can remember the other’s name, but you’re both too embarrassed to ask for it again. Game over.

This has happened to me dozens of times, and it still continues to happen, although less frequently now that I’m more conscientious about remembering people’s names. The main lesson here is that if you don’t make an active effort to remember someone’s name the first time he/she tells it to you, then it’s really difficult for you to get another chance to do so.

One simple way to elide this awkwardness is to later ask a friend who knows Sasha to remind you of her name. But I feel that a better way is to try your hardest to remember names the first time around. Let’s revisit our same introduction scenario again:

  1. The other person says to you: “Hi, I’m Sasha”
  2. As soon as you hear her name, start repeating SASHA in your head loudly a few times — SASHA, SASHA, SASHA. If you want to practice saying it out loud a few times, ask her about her name. “Sasha, that’s spelled S-A-S-H-A?” or “Sorry, I’m not so good with names. How do you spell that?” The purpose of these questions is to simply get you and Sasha to repeat her name a few times to help you to remember. This step should only take a few seconds at most, or else it can start feeling awkward.
  3. Now introduce yourself: “Nice to meet you, Sasha. I’m Philip.”
  4. Unless you have something desperately urgent to say, let Sasha talk, and as you listen to what she has to say, keep associating what she says with the nameSASHA. Think creatively about how you can clearly associate that name with her face. If you know someone else with the same name, try to associate that person with Sasha; or if you know some clever mnemonic or memory aid to help you remember her name, then use it, no matter how absurd it might seem.
  5. When you finally part ways, mention her name to her! e.g., “Great talking to you, Sasha, I’ve gotta go meet up with my friend now.” This has the double benefit of making her feel good that you remembered her name, and also helps you reinforce her name in your head even deeper.

With some practice, you’ll notice that you will become much better at remembering people’s names, without appearing at all awkward.

Tip 2: DO make extra efforts to learn foreign-sounding or unconventional names

Most people you’ll meet will have conventional-sounding names, like Steve orRachel (if you live in America). However, you will inevitably meet people with unconventional, foreign-sounding, or hard-to-pronounce names (with respect to your home culture). These folks are used to people forgetting or botching up their names, so you will make an extra good impression if you can accurately recall their names. It’s obviously harder for Americans to remember a name like Ramachandran than George, but that’s not an excuse for not trying.

My main advice here is to (apologetically) ask the other person to repeat and clarify how exactly to pronounce their name: “Sorry, I can’t hear too well with this noise in the background. Could you repeat how to pronounce your name?” These people are used to having to repeat or clarify their names, so they likely won’t mind, especially when you are meeting them for the first time. Don’t worry at all about how to accurately spell their names, but rather focus on making up a phonetic spelling that’s easy to remember. For a name like Chakravarty, you could think to yourself,“CHALK – AHHH – VAR – TY, rhymes with party” And when you address them by their names again, you can ask for them to repeat it a few times, with something like “Pardon, did I pronounce it correctly? I want to make sure I get it right.” At the very least, they will appreciate that you are making an effort.

Tip 3: DON’T make any remarks about people’s unconventional names

Everyone with an unconventional name probably remembers being teased as a kid in school over his/her name, so such insensitive behavior during adulthood (even if not maliciously intended) can bring back less-than-fond memories.

You risk sounding ignorant, xenophobic, and bigoted if you make dismissive or insensitive remarks about people’s names that happen to be unconventional by your local definition. For example, “Boy, those Asian names are so hard to remember! Sheesh, I can deal with Dave or Mike, but Yamamoto, wow!”. Or even something as innocuous as “Whoa, that’s pretty weird-soundin’, dude! Where did that come from?!?” Even if you don’t actively intend to be prejudiced, such statements make you sound so. This is especially true if you’re a member of the majority group, i.e., a white person in America.

Remember, in most countries, your name sounds weird!

Tip 4: DON’T call people by nicknames or alternative forms of their names if they haven’t first sanctioned it

Play it safe by always addressing someone by the exact name he/she used when introducing him/herself. Hearing someone call you by an unsanctioned nickname or name variant can be mentally jarring, since you’re simply not used to responding to it. Even worse, it shows disrespect and arrogance on the part of the caller, since he/she seems to be asserting the right to modify your own name in front of you. Someone named Robert might not want others calling him Rob or Bob or Bobby-boy, or might have reserved those variants only for use by close friends or family members.

This action becomes even more offensive and bigoted when the other person has a foreign name. For example, if you meet someone named Katsuyami but you say something like, “Oh my! What a weird-soundin’ name! How ’bout I call you Kat instead? You cool with that, kid?” What an insult!

Tip 5: DO use people’s names occasionally in conversation, and especially when saying hello and goodbye

Once you remember someone’s name, the great thing about using it in conversation is that it can develop better rapport (since everyone likes hearing their name) and can also help you remember it even better. Of course, it’s gratuitous and phony-sounding to preface every sentence with mention of a name, but I’ve found that you should at least use names when saying hello and goodbye to enter and exit with a pleasant impression, respectively.

Tip 6: DON’T ever call people by the wrong name

Hearing your name mispronounced can be annoying but forgivable, especially if lots of people find your name hard to pronounce, but hearing someone call you by the wrong name is always infuriating! Out of all facts that someone can possibly misremember about you (e.g., your job, college major, or ethnicity), getting your name wrong is the ultimate insult. It simply leaves a yucky visceral impression that the other person doesn’t give a rip about you.

Thus, if you’re not 100% certain that you’ve got someone’s name correct, it’s probably better not to address them by it, and instead immediately find some covert way of re-learning it (e.g., asking a friend or even apologetically asking that person to re-introduce him/herself to you).

However, don’t just give up and not make subsequent attempts at learning someone’s name just because you didn’t get it the first time around. Hearing someone call you by the wrong name is horrible, but knowing that someone most likely doesn’t know your name and isn’t willing to learn it is also fairly irritating.

Tip 7: DON’T misspell someone’s name in writing

When you are writing emails to people (or letters, if you’re old-school), the single most important word to spell correctly is their name. Typos everywhere else can be tolerated, but people will reflexively cringe if they see their names misspelled. A person sees his name in writing probably more times than any other non-trivial word, so any misspellings will immediately pop out.

Many people have misspelled my name as Phillip in emails, even when my emails to them clearly spelled it Philip; this is one of my personal pet peeves, and I can’t help but notice every single time it occurs.

A brain-dead-easy way to get someone’s name correct in writing is to simply copy-and-paste it from a previous email they have written to you; the chances of someone spelling their own name wrong is far less than you spelling it wrong!

Tip 8: DO try to learn the names of important people surrounding your conversation partner

You can build even greater rapport with someone if you can remember the names of his/her significant other, spouse, kids, or even parents. That way, instead of sounding generic with something like, “So, how is your wife’s art project going?”, you can appear more personable with, “So, how’s Deborah’s art project going?”

Don’t stress as much about these names, though, since they are less important than getting the person’s own name nailed!

Where Are The Men?